Thoughts on Transitions

I really should have posted this a week or so ago as I was actually fully processing the following thoughts, but I think the perspective I have with even a week or two after the end of the semester is helpful.

So here are some thoughts I wrote during the last week of my time at APSU, just 2 weeks ago:

I've had my sights set on the end of the semester for a while now. I hit a restless phase a few weeks ago, but now as I face the real end of my time here at APSU, I'm realizing I'm not feeling purely relieved. I feel a bit sad.

It's tempting to sit down in it. I'm trying to allow myself the mental and emotional space to process THIS change, and not require it to be tethered to the very obvious NEXT change, having a child. 

I've been at Austin Peay for four academic years. I have taught for three of them. I have had an absolutely fantastic experience both being educated and educating (ideally). It is really strange to have had my entire teaching career exist in one place, and to now be leaving that place. I think in many ways it is time to move on, but I have genuinely loved my time here. I'm really thankful for the full-time position this year, and will always value this year of teaching in particular.

Where my heart starts to take a turn for the nasty is when I allow the ending of this time to get wrapped up in the REST of my career. It is totally natural to be thinking about what comes next and how or when my career might progress. One strange part is that after the summer, I won't have a job to come back to. We'll be moving, and then moving again, all within the span of about six months. There's no clear path forward to the next step. So when I leave here, I automatically jump to the questioning of when I'll get to work again, and where, and whether I can succeed in teaching at another school, and if I'll ever get a chance to get those three initials I'm so interested in earning.

The mistake here is trying to guess. I've learned over and over again that God knows what's up, and it's better and harder and more rewarding than I can anticipate. He demonstrated this with my college experience, with the man I've married, with so many friendships. He has demonstrated this with our move to Kentucky. I NEVER would have chosen to come here. I started the MA program on a whim because it would make me read and write while Matthew was deployed, and would be paid for. I stumbled in to literature and realized what a glorious fit it is for my brain and heart and passions. I didn't plan that out, but God did, I think. My resistance to trusting him to continue to guide my path is really irritating... I wish I could absorb the lesson!

The good news is that I'm really not all sad. I am SO excited to be moving on. I have no idea what it'll be like to be parent, but I know I'm about to jump off a cliff into a life I have very limited knowledge of. I'm excited for that. But I'm trying not to conflate the experience of leaving this job, and becoming a mom. I want to savor them each as I transition out of one, and into another. And I really want to resist the urge to spiral into worry about future opportunities and feelings and jobs and locations. I CAN'T know them, but God does, and I know I can trust that.

***

So how am I feeling now? Honestly, I feel pretty peaceful about the whole career situation. I am sure that the thoughts and swirling discussions in my own mind (and with those poor folks who often listen to my verbal processing) will continue eventually, but for now I'm genuinely eager to have a break, and to learn how to be a mom. I know this transition is not over, but it feels really good to be on this side of the "end" and feel really great about it. 

I Grew a Shelf: Those Weird Things Pregnant Women Do.

There are things that as a non-pregnant woman I always thought were SO annoying about pregnant women. Really, you have to count in weeks? Come on... no one counts anything in weeks, and so let's just be honest and talk in months. Plus, I have no idea what you saying "I'm 27 weeks" means. Just say how many months you are because me-no-speaky-pregnancy-jargon.

Well... if I count pregnancy in months it is fundamentally unrewarding. I'm not sure why this never occurred to me as I did count the deployment in weeks (at times).

This week I'll be 9 months pregnant. Yeah. 9 months. And you know what? I have 4 weeks to go. So yeah... I'll be pregnant for 10 months. Funny joke! I have loved this pregnancy and really don't feel anxious to get it over with, except that I'm ready to meet this little Tot and begin being her parent, her mom, not just her apartment! So saying "I'm 35 weeks, almost 36" isn't because I'm trying to be precious; it's because 35 is important, and every DAY of pregnancy is special, and the closer I get to 37, that "full term" classification where the baby is most likely totally developed and ready to go, is mentally so valuable.

The other thing is the idea that the belly is so prominent and touchable. I used to see pregnant women kind of holding or patting or rubbing their bellies and wonder whether they were trying to draw attention to their pregnant body, or what. Clearly, this was naive and weirdly judgmental (it sounds like I really disliked pregnant women, which isn't the case; I suppose this is a great illustration of how mean ignorance can be, even when it's not trying to be!). Here's the thing... I touch my belly ALL the time. I started doing it as it began to be noticeable because I was really excited to have proof of the pregnancy. It's fascinating how one's body changes, and let me tell you, the belly is easily the most charming part (there are loads of other changes that aren't quite so fun, or appropriate for public celebration). I didn't start looking pregnant until about 20 weeks or even a bit after; if you didn't know I was pregnant, you might have just thought I'd thickened up at the waist (and, ok, by that time, a bit at the thighs too, if I'm being honest).

But then it kept (it—the baby and her house) getting bigger... and more unavoidable. It became habitual and comforting to touch the belly, rub it, rest my hand on it. Now it feels like such a prominent reality (it does all those cliche things we think of like preventing me from tying my shoes with out acrobatics, and so on), that my hand gravitates to it. Part of this is because in certain places there are hard spots—feet here, head there, bum there—and part is because it's hard not to think of anything else at this point.

This morning I was sipping my coffee (yes, I do drink coffee, but I stick to my 200 mg of caffeine or less) and realized I was resting my coffee mug on my belly. It was so natural, and really quite convenient. I grew a shelf!

These are not Earth shattering revelations, but I am continually struck by the fact that I never really thought much about pregnancy at ALL until I was, in fact, pregnant. I was fascinated by friends who were, but just totally naive. I like that, because it has been so fun to discover this strange job while actually doing it!

Welcome May!

School is winding down. I really only have about 50 final exams to grade (some of which have not yet been submitted), and then I need to clear out my computer and sign out of work.

Crazy.

I've written some thoughts on this transition that I'll post soon, but I wanted to officially bid May a warm welcome! I think now that I'm at the end of the semester, nearly the end of my job, and can finally say I'll have a baby next month, it is beginning to get REALLY exciting!

I've been excited all along, but wow! It's coming up soon!

So here's your official welcome May! May you be shorter and more fun than April, even if you won't be near as awesome as June!

Disappearing Act.

As the time is passing, I'm getting larger.

I don't say this reluctantly. I like it. Grow little one, grow! I'm not going to mope about balance changes and stretch marks and pregnancy brain. So far, I'm still genuinely enjoying and getting a kick out of this pregnancy. The changes in my body mean we're getting closer, and I LOVE that.

The most recent change (that I'll choose to share... because believe me, there are plenty I won't, at least not on this blog!) is something I never really thought about.

It turns out, I never really thought about a lot of this stuff. Most of the reading I've done has been about BIRTHING a child. I don't really read about how my body is GOING to change. I read the weekly updates from several sources online and in books every Friday since that's the day that we get to add another week to the ever-growing count in this child's gestation (hooray for 30 today!). So things do sneak up on me to some extent.

The other day Matthew and I were talking about something and I was slathering on yet another layer of cream or lotion or some such substance to stave off the itchy skin that comes from having one's belly expand to hold what is now a baby approximately the size of a cabbage. The conversation shifted to bellies, and then babies, and we were talking about our baby's belly button, and how cute that'll be. Then he asked if I'd get an "outie" belly button like some pregnant women. I said I didn't know, but it seemed like a lot of women, after a point, end up with one.

And then he said it: "isn't your belly button getting more... shallow?"

I pulled my shirt up and sure enough! That mysterious cross-section of wrinkled skin leading to nowhere has moved a bit closer to the surface!

Of course, this only makes sense. But it caught me so off-guard, I've continued to be amazed by this strange little change.

Other than the disappearing act my belly button hole is performing, there's not much news. (Well, there's some, but that's coming in a different blog.) I've got about 4 weeks left of teaching including final exams, which is awesome and exciting and a little sad, and otherwise, I'm chugging along!

More to come... hopefully sooner than later. Turns out blogging is one of those things that, after a day of staring at the computer screen grading and lesson planning and answer e-mails, doesn't really call out to me.

The Army Family.

Lately, lots of horrible things have been happening in Afghanistan, particularly the incident of a soldier murdering Afghan civilians. At these times I feel like people who are disconnected from the military might begin to associate all soldiers with this action. While I have a lot of thoughts about the situation, I won't share them now. I want to share what's going on in our corner of the Army world.

The last few days have held some surprising and upsetting news for one family in our Battalion. One soldier's twelve-year-old daughter has gone missing. She is not suspected of running away, but she missed the bus on Thursday, and hasn't been seen since.

Yesterday, hundreds of soldiers and family members from our brigade showed up to comb the woods and neighborhood surrounding the middle school where she was last seen.

The soldiers were released around 2:00. They could have gone home, and got started on their weekend plans early. But SO many people showed up an hour and a half later, and volunteered their time to comb through woods and pathways, looking for something, anything, that might help. Several hours later, people were still earnestly searching, and had to be told to go home. It was genuinely heartening to see all kinds of people showing up. It reminded me that really, when one family is in need, there really is an Army family who will rally around them.

Sadly, the search has not produced anything, but we're hoping that today they'll make some progress.

I am proud to be a part of the Army family.

Saying Know to Good Things.

Sometimes, we have to say no to good things. Lately I've been realizing that I'm not always great about doing that. I've been trying to get better, and have indeed been saying no to good things at times, but I also keep having the thought that this little window of time pre-baby is a great time to DO stuff. 

But tonight, we both realized it was time to say no to a good thing.

Matthew and I were planning on doing a Financial Peace University class through church. We've been hoping to catch the class on a night we could attend, and finally! We found one. We missed last week due to a meeting Matthew had, and were getting ready to go and jump in to week two. We both mentioned how exhausted we are, but how we wanted to go to the class.

We were really glad we were going to the class.

We are both really tired.

We both really wish we could have already gone to the class.

We really probably should reconsider doing this class.

We should probably not do this class.

Ok, we're going to do the at-home version of the class.

So yeah, that's pretty much the progression. We realized that right now with both of our schedules, other regularly scheduled commitments, and our running level of exhaustion by the end of our respective days, committing to another GOOD thing could easily cause us to feel really bitter and overwhelmed (mostly me on that one). I've actually been thinking this for a while now, but it was good to hash it out together and realize we were both just trying to wrap our brains and tired bodies around the commitment on the other's behalf.

Oh, and the class is sixteen weeks long. Fifteen including today since last week was week one. Most likely, we'll have a baby before the class is done (I was thinking the course was 12 weeks... I think if I had realized it was that long I wouldn't have really even considered doing it).

So! We're going to try to do the class online. If you have any thoughts about doing the course at home, please chime in! I'd love to know your impressions.

26 Weeks.

Today marks 26 weeks down! Woo!

We have less than 100 days left until the due date. That is pretty crazy. I'm coming to the end of my Spring Break and while it has been an insane week, the break for the routine of work has been so nice. I thought I'd feel really sad about the week coming to an end, and feel really regretful that work looms ahead, but I'm actually feeling excited to get back into the work, and kick the rest of this semester to the curb!

Lately I've been pretty focused on preparing for the birth. I know, a bit naive, but I'm doing what I can do educate myself. At this point, I'm hoping to have a natural birth, but working to prepare mentally and physically so that if something changes, I don't feel like a failure, as I've heard can happen when the best laid plans change.

So far I've read:

The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy
Natural Hospital Birth*
What to Expect When You're Expecting
The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth
Husband-Coached Childbirth

and I'm working on Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I've found several of these helpful, one particularly irritating and condescending, and one extremely valuable (that with the star). The current selection is also very helpful and encouraging.

I met with a doula yesterday and really enjoyed talking with her. Matthew and I are still thinking through whether that's the right choice for us, but I'm leaning towards yes.

So far, birth doesn't scare me. I mean, maybe it should, I admit it. But I think in the end, I'm more scared of post-partum depression. That's a real fear I have, and I'm not sure how much I can do about it, but the things I've read I can do, I'm going to try to do! Otherwise, I'm feeling less in the dark about what will actually happen at birth, and how I might deal with it. I've taken my usual "student" approach and while it has been really helpful, I'm ready to rest from that phase.

I got to see a very good friend yesterday and chat with her for a while about such things, and at one point she said "I hope you aren't worried about all this." The woman has had every kind of birth, and is incredibly wise. I trust her, and hearing her say that made me think that maybe I have focused on the details long enough. I don't intend to just space out and not engage brain, but I think it might be time to read some Harry Potter and leave the birthing books to rest a while.

Other than birth literature (hah, weird) I've been working, had a great trip with Matthew to visit Matt and Mel in Minneapolis (where Melissa took some photographs of us... I'll post a link when we have one!), and been totally overwhelmed by Babies R Us every time I walk in. I'm not sure that feeling will ever leave.

And so, that's the latest!